Back on the Saddle

Feeling like a new dancer, I may have new things to say and do…

Last week, just after I’d written about my cancer diagnosis and return to the studio, I read about the ill health former English cricket captain Michael Vaughn has had in The Telegraph. It was a co-incidence of timing- a dancer and a professional athlete, both talking about cancellation, its effects on one’s mind and body, the effect that it has had on our families, and the difficulties of the past few years.

Michael Vaughan has been battling an acute stress-induced inflammatory illness which left him in agony and struggling to put his own socks on.

“I don’t know if I’m tougher than I thought, or weaker,” he says. “There are two ways of looking at it. It does prove that I’m human. It’s not about how many caps you have, how many stripes you have, or how famous you are. Your body doesn’t say, ‘You’re a former England captain, we’re not going to allow this illness to invade you’. 

I was struck by Vaughn’s story, not least because like me, he listed a series of complimentary health additions, such as hydrogenated water, raw milk, Pilates reformers and cold baths. I’ve tried all of those (obviously not the raw milk while going through chemo), and swear by my Reformer, but am less keen now on cold baths or showers due to Reynolds syndrome which seems to be worse post-surgery. I also dabbled with Oxygen tank therapy but haven’t taken to it due to a sense of claustrophobia.

After beginning to jump today in ballet, I decided to use my son’s (deflated) paddling pool for some cold water therapy!

Along with this powerful article about Vaughn’s immune disorder, which made him unable to walk, move or even put his socks on, the incredible Scottish author Jenny Lindsey published her new book ‘Hounded’, of which I was interviewed for, and I have to say I am lucky to now call Jenny now a friend. I am yet to read this new book, but having spoken at length to Jenny and interviewed many artists before setting up Freedom in the Arts, I am well aware of the horrific health consequences of the past few years, be it Covid, lockdowns, lack of hospital appointments, cancellations, harassment, lack of work or serious illness.

I began to think more deeply about the connection we have between our body, our health, and our so called ‘reputations’. And why this cancel culture is never, ever benign.

I began to be worried back in 2017 when the #MeToo era began in earnest- I was disturbed by the lack of due process, due diligence and the discarding of the ‘innocent until proven guilty’ basis of our legal system. In the arts, we all knew of instances of predatory behaviour, bad behaviour, sleazy behaviour and in rare cases, possibly illegal behaviours. But I could immediately see that accusations alone had become the judge and jury on individuals. While I am utterly dismayed by the low rape conviction figures, which in effect make rape a non-crime, I still didn’t want an accusation to end a person’s life and ability to make a livelihood without due process. The problem clearly to me, was the fevered reporting atmosphere and lack of legal process, not the public’s perception of what is right and what is wrong.

By 2021 it was no longer slightly ‘handsy’ men that were being targeted. It was women, especially older women (you know, the ones who had babies and all that stuff e.g. over 35 years old) who were getting targeted, harassed and blackmailed out of their hard worked for and hard-earned positions of employment, including in my case, my own company of which I did seem to bring home all the bacon for and create all the employment opportunities.

To read about Michael Vaughn made me think about how the culture of ‘the accusation’ or ‘the inquisition’ has such profound physical effects on us. Vaughn is a public figure and will have trained all his life for his sport, at time probably sacrificing many normal things to commit to his profession and passion. He will have had many early nights and early mornings, and trained when tired, or stressed or under pressure. He will have become an expert, and incredibly, through many selection processes, which are hard and sometimes unfair, he managed to rise to the very pinocle of his profession- a profession that is short and unstable, but at least offers some decent financial reward. He was falsely accused of racism, and he was exonerated after three or four long legal years, and he admits, he was the only one accused able to afford the legal costs.

The cost to his body was profound, the guilt he feels about the stress he has caused to his family, utterly heart-breaking. This I found familiar- at my diagnosis of breast cancer  I felt that I was about to cause them a lot of anxiety and worry, and I did feel guilty, especially as they’d been so supportive through my difficult work situation. It was like- ‘ … and now this- sorry everyone’.

The cancel culture has real human and physical costs to people. We do not just pick ourselves up, brush ourselves down and get back in the saddle. It can take years to get over such personal and public pile on’s. Our life has been torn down, the injustice burns in your heart and the faith in humanity is tested profoundly. Our bodies feel it deeply, and I wonder that Vaughn as an athlete and myself as a dancer, our bodies exhibited this inner pain very quickly and very clearly. Our bodies are our jobs, and these attacks take away something so precious to us, and so hard worked for. I was extremely careful to try to not let this affect my personality or my sense of humour, but that can’t be true- I have not escaped.

Do the accusers think of the physical, mental and personal affects their false and malicious accusations cause? And how to the administrators that allow the bullying and harassment to escalate sleep at night? I am certain they all felt right and justified, but mostly because they didn’t realise, they were actually dealing with extremists, and their investigations were deep punishment.

So, back to the studio, about which I will write more next week, with my little hydrogenised water bottle, my thermos of fresh coffee, my footsie roller, and my new regime of hormone therapy….

Back into the saddle and back into my art. I feel a new dancer emerging from the pain and she has something to say.